Cover Letter

From ◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞◜◝◟◞
Jump to: navigation, search


February 23, 2014

Dear Reader,

I submit here my resume in consideration for the position of Director, Customer Care and Operations in Portland, OR.
While reading the 15th February OregonLive article on the spin-up of Squarespace operations in Portland I was intrigued by the critical stance the COO took on potential office space. Then after scoffing at the  “How to Apply” section of the job posting, I let it percolate for a few hours then decided what the fuck. Here goes:

You will not find a better fit for the particulars of this job, as you've defined them, certainly not in a Portland native. Why? Because I started out and grew-up with the darling of the Silicon Valley all through the era; I was fire-hardened through many years living & working in Manhattan and now am barrel-aging in Portlandia. I’ve done stints in support, technical sales and management and I know what works and what doesn’t. I've built support programs & teams from the ground up.

I learned the art and ethic of customer service from John Doe at BigCo, in the early days, when those concepts still meant something there. John is from New York City and was my first-line manager & mentor then, and is the kind of New Yorker I came to truly admire later – hard & crunchy outside; soft & chewy inside. John always said “Treat the customer like you would treat your next-door neighbor – someone you might have to look in the eye every day”. I've stuck with that principal and built teams who subscribed and could live up to it as well. I may occasionally kick the shit out of vapid, incompetent and/or lazy salespeople, but I always treat the customer like gold.

Aside from the requisite industry bona-fides in my CV, I bring the following to the table:

* I will hook you up with the best Ashtanga instructor in 
* I'm certified as an instructor in the discipline of Rational Process and Problem Resolution and will teach it to the customer support staff and leadership
*I love MCM design, furniture and architecture and can consult on the PDX site-search (at least I can tell you if you are picking a dog and could do better)
*I have worked for two of the leading Contact Center infrastructure suppliers and have analyzed the others as competitors
*I don't suffer fools, slackers or whiners lightly
*John Doe is now SVP of Customer Care at BigCo 
*I am one funny mother-fucker
In closing, I'll just say that my resume probably looks a bit stodgy, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stuff it with bullshit fluffy language and credentials just to get matches on some HR filtering software and I'm not going to hire a 24 year-old career-coach to ‘teach’ me how to sell myself. I hope you like it anyway. I'll reveal my super power only if hired.

John Doe